Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
we’re dead?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.