Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’m tired tomorrow.