I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent