The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.