The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong