it must be school picture day
You Might Also Like
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
#ProTip
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁