No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.