First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The game has officially changed 😎
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
me opening up to someone
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant