I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.