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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
went fishing caught a bass
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!