me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don鈥檛 mind. I鈥檓 starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we鈥檝e been doing the last seven years?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn鈥檛 lived it down.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*