One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”