Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Remember folks 😂
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button