Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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The human personality is made of five key elements
#oldknees
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd