Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal