“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.