OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.