Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
you gotta be faster
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.