Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
You Might Also Like
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜