Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Meowchelangelo
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.