Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.