Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.