I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?