Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest