One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I’m having an out of money experience.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.