Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The three genders.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.