Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist