70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Xylophonist Shredding It
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
dads on road-trips be like
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.