Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
A friend sent me this.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!