I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
You Might Also Like
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
choose your gary
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.