CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.