[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
You Might Also Like
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ok like just. call me at this point
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Monday
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
boat question
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”