*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Are we there yet?…
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.