Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
incredible
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm