“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
This is hilarious….
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.