The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
secret recipe
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry