(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If you don鈥檛 have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You鈥檙e gonna buy too many
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800掳, why is my car still dirty?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.