me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
🙂🐾
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN