her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I occasionally drink every single night.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.