I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Bring back the McRib
who wants to go expliring
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.