[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]