doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
what is cheese if not milk persevering
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see