I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
plant them where lol
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg