her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Not all heroes wear capes….
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes