Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Lucky old June.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.