Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Received some very disappointing news today
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.