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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind