[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure