No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
This is I, Robot all over again
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
wow
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
The Joker was right
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”