[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room